I have this insane debilitating fear of not being good enough. This fear rears its nasty head anytime there is the slightest chance I can’t do something perfectly. Now, I don’t know about you, but perfection isn’t common place around our house. As a result, there are a lot of things I just don’t even start because I am confident I won’t do it well enough.
A perfect example is this blog. I’ve been wanting to start a blog for ages. Technically, I’ve started about a gazillion blogs prior to this one – each of those have 1-2 posts max that were never made public. When I finally made the leap and posted this to my facebook page, I immediately turned off the notifications for that post and didn’t check facebook again at all for a couple days. I finally convinced myself it was safe to revisit the post and read the comments people left and I was almost shocked to find so much love and inspiration to keep writing (gosh, I can be such a spaz – I’m not sure what I expected to find, maybe fiery pitchfork memes or something?)
That was a couple weeks ago now and in my head I’ve come up with about 50 great topics for post number 2, but as it turns out this post is WAY harder than the first one. I’ve done pretty much anything that would help me avoid sitting down and actually writing. Last night, I even spent a couple hours organizing Chris’ email. Yes, over 2 hours spent unsubscribing and deleting 10,000+ emails from my husband’s account, while this page sat blank the next tab over.
Avoiding writing a blog post by hours spent deleting emails is seemingly innocuous, right? I mean if anything, Chris has got to be feeling lighter without the 1000’s of Target and Yummly emails weighing down his inbox! Not exactly….
I know that how I show up for the little things in my life reflects how I show up for the big important things too (like when decided I wasn’t good enough to be a mom, and I stopped for a bit). I’m also acutely aware that my avoidance tactics can be far more detrimental than just a couple hours poking around Chris’ email (like when I drank my way through college instead of studying).
So, here I am. In all of my not-good-enough-wallowing-in-my-own-shit-glory writing a post about how scared I am to write another post! Why? Because that’s the only way I have made it through my shit, and continue to do so – just keep showing up and moving forward. No matter how small and seemingly insignificant our steps might seem, any movement is better then no movement.
For those of you that don’t have all your shit together and spend countless hours wasting time with pointless crap, what are you avoiding?